The Light Within

I am coming to a point in my life where I am tired of my old way of living and perceiving the world. I knew reality is largely based on our beliefs and how we perceive the world, how we are shaped not just by our experiences but by how we experience them, identify with them, and ourselves. I have been in a process of finding myself, sort of losing my old identification and a time of rebirth and renewal in a sense.

At this time, I began coming around to changing how I see myself and the world, I began having spiritual experiences that guided and supported this, and the more I connected the dots of what was revealed internally and in the world with amazing synchronicity, I began to grow in awareness, and thus healing.

No matter what has happened in my life, I have been blessed with an inner spiritual consciousness, one that we all carry, that reveals to me a beautiful, amazing universe full of love and infinite possibilities. This has been revealed even at the worst of times.

For years, I was stuck in repeated cycles of active addiction and sobriety, and it was time for me to get back to school and back my family and do something meaningful with my life. I felt as though I already lived at least 10 different lives, ones where I was a hardworking straight A student and scholar, mother of 2, professional environmentalist, and then the lives I don’t usually openly share where I was an alcoholic and addict, in rehabs, in abusive relationships, or in the process of trying to rebuilding after treatment from a relapse. It came to my awareness that I was overly identifying myself with the latter, the “negative” parts of my life, the negative experiences and roles that I played. I need to free myself from this cycle and negative sense of self.

I struggled for years until it came to my awareness: If I knew we are truly divine beings with so much potential, if we came here to experience life and learn, why commit to living such a miserable or difficult life where I keep repeating the same mistakes? I realize I had to experience what I came to experience, but I came to a place where I knew I was ready to move on, but breaking out of these old cycles and ways of life seemed difficult. I feared I was a helpless addict for years, until I dove into the fear to explore why I felt this way, and to see what was revealed. For one, I reconnected with my roots, including my childhood trauma, and found how to be compassionate with myself and take into account the reasons behind the substance abuse that developed from early on. I did not feel so helpless once I confronted the experiences of trauma or abuse, and as I learned to forgive and let go, and I took my power back. I was not helpless anymore. I dove into my own mistakes and saw them as just experiences, not identifying myself as the victim nor the do-er, knowing we are led by God’s will for us and the experiences we were meant to have. I began to learn the truth behind them. Finding the truth behind it all led me to see a universe of unconditional divine love and purpose, and everything happens is out of love. This allowed me to forgive, accept, and love myself. I was ready to take a deeper look at my entire life, to find myself again, but not as the alcoholic or addict because I know this is not true to my being. We can overly identify ourselves with the experiences we came to have, I realized that I am more than this experience, and it was time to reconnect with who I am and to re-empower myself.

If I lived all these different lives with different roles, each with its own player (or me, in whatever role I was playing at the time), and they were all equally true or equally real, then why identify myself and commit myself to the worst ones possible? I was just as much the scholar or loving mother as I was a terrible addict. I had reconciled the darker parts, now I allowed myself to reconnect with the positive, loving parts of my life and take back this power or this role. I began bringing the pieces back. I could meditate on them and bring myself back to the places I wanted to be again that served me, not to change back into them because we are always us, but to reconnect with that part of myself on another level, knowing its truth to my being.

The reality we live in largely comes from our own perceptions and beliefs, that is shaped from our experiences, and thus shapes our identity, or ego. For a long time, I succumbed to a pretty negative world perspective, but knowing internally that this is not the entire truth, because I have also seen the bright side of life…I can live in whatever reality I choose that serves me, not by force but by accepting the loving truth of the universe with a God that wants us to just Be, free to be happy and not suffer. I didn’t need to succumb to these egos or identifications as someone I don’t want to be, because I know I am so much more, and I can bring the truth of my being into my life… we are not broken or helpless beings. No matter what has happened in our lives, they are experiences that we came in this life to have, but not to become, not to identify as such! What a waste of time that would be, to waste one’s potential! None of our life experience is a waste of time however, instead I can see them as gifts in disguise… to see them as lessons and the experience we need to get to the place where we are now. We can we see the meaning or lesson behind them and use them to their fullest potential. For example, to see life as a school or college where we learn, and graduate to become whatever we dream to be.

This leads to a point of better understanding of myself and people, in a way of love and compassion. From my spiritual lessons and experiences, I now realize we are truly divine infinite beings that came to this life to experience, and to no longer limit ourselves to only certain experiences and roles that no longer serve us or make us happy. We can accept the past without taking it on or identifying with it. We need not feel broken or damaged anymore, we can relax into the awareness of our true nature. We can feel complete as we open our minds and our hearts to our entire beings, all parts of our lives and selves. To love oneself means to accept all of oneself, and bring love to all of it, all experiences, family, failures, and successes. We don’t have to change who we are, we are already perfect as we were made by God, but we can change how we see ourselves and the world, and embrace all parts of ourselves with loving arms, as well as others.

What parts of your life or experiences have you identified with that keeps you stuck in place you don’t want to be any longer? Stuck mental or emotionally, or by repeating the same mistakes? Knowing they are not mistakes, see them as just lessons that we can explore to learn from. It was not us but just an experience we came to have. Recognize that uncomfortable feelings that come from these experiences may just be indicators, pointing that there is something there to look at, to bring awareness to, so that you can process it and move on. Being true to yourself, knowing you are a divine being who came here to experience and learn, you can open yourself to a new sense of self and new experiences. This process helps to learn to love yourself as you see yourself in a new light and opens up a new loving reality of being.