The Light Within

For a while I was in a constant search for answers. I was trying to uncover the truth behind everything from experiences to the truth as a means of searching for meaning and reason… to answer existential questions, and the purpose of this existence. Each experience in life brings in pieces of information, uncovers small truths that over time evolve to give greater meaning to life as a whole, and the wisdom that comes if one pays attention.

In the beginning, this search to explain my life was largely out of fear, doubt, and discomfort in being. I felt an urge to find the facts, for everything, in a way so that if I knew all the contributing factors that brought about a certain experience, I could therefore control them, and sort of manifest for myself. Unfortunately, it wasn’t so simple, but I no longer have the fears I once had to drive that need for “control” anymore. I was digging deep into different parts of my existence, which included experiences, beliefs, concepts, that brought me discomfort in way of anxiety, fear, or suffering, presently or in the past. There were many truths uncovered and some personal, but a few I will share.

I found that much of these internal fears and sufferings were in the mind, originated in the mind, out of constructs of the mind that I build or was taught. Most fears I had were not real, never really were. If they came from an experience in the past, it was only one way that I was perceiving that experience, not the entire truth of reality. These fears only manifested internally, until I could realize the illusion and give them to God. I had been only looking at partial truths, instead of the totality, and when focusing in on one single thing that’s only partially true and “dark” in its nature, it can appear frightening or evil. One of these had to do with my experiences as an addict, these parts of my existence were only very small parts of who I am and can be. Remembering our true nature, as divine beings in an infinite universe, and we are here to have a human experience. The totality of this experience can be so much more and greater when looking at the bigger picture. I had been focusing too much on one way of thinking, and upon one dark or disturbing part of the nature of reality, I had to realize its only partial to the whole truth (of my life, and human existence) and move beyond it. I didn’t have to keep having the same experiences because I no longer needed to explore this one piece of reality. I could open my mind and my existence to experiencing more, focus on something new.

One tool is being aware of what thoughts of feelings come up for me, those that block me from making connections (mentally with myself, or with people) or while having a certain experience. It gives me clues to uncover, for example, certain self-perceptions or ideas in general that I learn about and move beyond. Looking at certain concepts that we form as humans, such as our judgements (of for example, what is right or wrong, good or evil) they are only constructs of the mind. They do play an important role as they guide us to do what feels right for us, and that for others, but when looking at oneself and life in general, our actions or experiences, and not limiting ourselves to these manmade judgements, we can stay in the light and see it all just as is. It’s all God, it’s all “good.” I can faith in God, faith in everything (in people, life, myself and my experiences). I can see the good in myself and in people, despite our paths and our past.

I was able to bring truth and meaning to certain things that had been blocking me by means of discomfort or suffering. Blocking me in turns of not allowing myself to be in a state of peace and happiness, and receiving all that life can offer. One was not accepting love by thinking I didn’t deserve it, thus blocking connectivity with people due to certain insecurities. These “blockages” we often here don’t need to be bad or feared in that they allow us to have the experiences we need in order to sort through these “issues,” but I could also move past seeing them as issues but just one piece of myself, and move my focus to the parts where I can love myself and connect.

My spirituality has helped me in this, as it can for us all. For a long time, I had been viewing this spiritual realm and the spiritual experiences I had as separate from the physical world, as we often view God as a separate being. In uncovering the truth for myself in a way that made sense to me, I began to connect these two “realms” or worlds per say, to bring “Heaven to Earth,” I could see God in everyone and everywhere, and meaning in all that we experience and do. I explored many recuring themes in my life and other symbols, or metaphors, that I consistently experience. I stay aware, read the signs, find meaning that works for me (though constantly evolves), ask questions, and put my intent out into the universe. These “symbols” and their meaning build and expand over time as they recur with new experiences, that bring more and more meaning on different levels. I have had many spiritual experiences that have brought meaning to my physical life in this world, and no longer need verification to believe. Everything I experienced was true, when looking at the meaning of truth there can be many, but what is real to us, in our mind or in the world, can be just as true and part of our human experience. I need not doubt the meaning I’ve found, nor confine any truth to a being fact, as even they can shape, change and expand over time. Over time, all these pieces of information come together to form a larger, more all-encompassing truth, that really brings meaning at another level. The process can be uncomfortable when exploring in pieces, just as it can while going through specific single experiences in life, but eventually the total truth can begin to make sense, as one begins to look at the bigger picture.

There is too much to write on in one post and specific experiences I haven’t even gotten into yet, but will over time. One thing I will note now is that behind truth is love, and I have found this to be what drives and flows through the universes, through each of us and our experiences, and uncovers itself as we find the greater meaning to it all. I’m trying to move myself beyond just uncovering truths and understanding, to a greater place of connectivity out of love and acceptance.